To you

I wanted to be happy for you.
I do, I really do but...

My heart, mind and entire being is just full of hatred, jealousy, envy, sorrow, and bottled up emotions.
I just cant be 100% supportive towards you.
I want too but somewhere in myself, I hate you.

I hate everything about you.
I hate how you have everything that I can't have.
I hate how you can live your life unlike mine.

I know I'm not the best kind of human being like this but..

Even if I hate everything about you.
I know you hate everything about me too.

I know how you hate that you have that body.
I know how you hate that you have to throw out your emotions when you were at such a tender age.
I know how you hate how your family makes you miserable.

I know how you hate me sometimes too..
because you wants something from my life as I want something from your life too.

I often throw out spiteful and hatred words to you...
but you took em and put them aside like it was just puffs of cloud.
You never said those hateful words back to me.

I know you are kind and loyal friend but..
your kindness kills me slowly from inside.

I am a lonely person with unbearable pride.
No one knows me like you do.
No one gets me like you do.
No one can make me care so much like you do.

I got only you as a best friend.
None are great as you.
Only you, I would cry for.

I don't want to let go of one comfort I found in you.
At the same time, I want to ditch you behind and leave you.
So you wont hurt me any more with your ignorant kindness.
But I know, you know nothing.

You are just being you.
The girl who can make me love and hate her at the same time.

I dont blame you for my sadness.
I dont blame you for my hatred.
I dont blame you for any of my negative emotions.

I am probably just like a child throwing out tantrums.
I want somebody to pity me while not looking down on me.
I want somebody to help me while not making fun of my weakness.
I want somebody to just save me while saying I did my best.

I am such a useless person.
Why is my head filled with only dark feelings.
Cant I be a proper friend with no such emotions welling up in me.

I hope you forgive like you always do
Or at least get mad at me, scold me.
Let me know what you think of me.

I hate this pathetic me
Govern with such emotions.
Sometimes I think I'm not fit to be with you.
How I wish you would make more friends that are better than me.

I wish it so bad that it clouded me with anger and hatred,
For if I lose you,
Who would want me.

Then the cycle loop all over again.
Piling up on the dark emotion.
I become such a hateful person.

I can go on and on and on about my unsightly behaviour...
It's never enough for me to be unhappy.
I want other people to suffer too.
That is how I want people to stay away from me.
And yet, I would extend my hand to seek for refuge and comfort.

I am such a coward...
I'm sorry.