Parents, don't you just love them, hmm???

Thursday, 21st of August, 2014.

P/s: Please read this light-heartedly as possible. This is a personal point of views only. All of this is from a personal experience.

Yes, yes, please read the title as sarcastic as possible.
They are so lovable and hate-able at the same time more than I can imagine it happening.
After more than 2 decades with them, I just can't decide.
Whether I want to live with or without them.

They are our beginning and would be the end of some of us.
They are our life and our death in this tiny world call family.
They are our joy and our pain at the same time as do us to them too.
They are our parents.

I can't say that we don't give them few loose strings too, raising us bratty ass.
We gave them a whole new meaning to crazy, drunk and wild children.
To handle our quirks and temper tantrums, they have gone over backwards to solve them.
This result in very weird children like myself. Yes. I admit I grew up weird.

Weirdness aside, I've always been shot down, turned away and et cetera by my parents.
What do I mean by that???

You see, growing up, I am never allowed to do stuff that my other friends can.
Such as hang out at malls or their house or do anything outside the immediate proximity of the house.
Basically doing anything that involves them giving me money.
Plus, I live quite far from all of my friends.

"Due to that I grew up being a bit introvert. A bit now, but it was a different story before."

I refuse to go out when my parents want to take us siblings out to go somewhere.
I refuse to pay respect to our visitor and I would usually hold up in my room if someone came to our house.
This took me quite a while to get rid of.
Now, I'm an expert on putting the most poker face ever when greeting the visitors or any of my mum's friends.

Well, when your parents have friends over, especially your mum's, gossip will erupt.
This is the stage for them to present who have the best child ever. Urgh~
And after the silent fightings are done, they will turn to us.
Then start the comparison competition between us and her friend's children.

"Due to that I grew up with low self esteem and with lesser confidence in anything that I do."

I bet you guys went through this too.
They would always complain that other children are better than us in every way possible.
Oh, how I loathed this little short conversation that they hold with us who are still like mentally unstable and worldly-stupid.
It made me feel stupider to do anything else that would make me look worse than what they have seen.

I don't know whether they notice that they are hurting children's mentality like this.
For me, I did struggle to fix myself from the childhood mental damage.
It's not that all that they did are like that.
They do give lots of nice childhood memories, but, the pain stands out more for me.

"Due to that I grew up skeptical. Always wonder about everything and anything. Never fully trusting someone, but being gullible at the same time."

I am a person who knows a lot of people.
They call me a friend, but for me, I don't throw that title so light-heartedly.
For me, truly, I only have a handful of people who I truly call friends.
But to not wanting to hurt people's feeling, I put on masks to conceal those ideal.

I don't wish to hurt people like how a parent or a person can.
I will usually calculate my actions to make sure I don't hurt anybody.
But if I am cornered, I will give out my best to make sure I win.
Alas, being invisible is the better option of not hurting anybody.

"Due to that I grew up being very awkward. Yeah, I am an awkward child in an adult's body."

I can't say I blame my parents fully for this being called me.
I am fully thankful though for them, still keeping their heads after raising me.
All that I can say is,

"Dear parents of mine, 

I hated you guys for so long for not letting me do what I wanted to do during my childhood. 

I hated that you always compare me with other people. 

I hated that you made me feel that I don't deserve to live here in your house. 

I hated the fact that you let me cry all night because of that. 

I hated that I had to pretend that all you said didn't affect me. 

I hated that I respect you guys so much that I didn't say anything back to defend myself.

I hated you guys so much for everything that was miserable about my life was.

But that's all in the past tense. Even if the hates linger, my love for you guys will topple it over.

Dear parents of mine,

I love you for letting me join this world with you guys.

I love you for giving me all the love that you guys have and more.

I love you for sending me to school to study for my future, even though I hated it at first.

I love you for taking me to places I have never been before.

I love you for providing me with nice clothes so that I can be fabulous.

I love you for giving me siblings and a large family for me to love and not be lonely.

I love you for keeping my belly full with food and that's is the only reason why I am very fat.

I love you for teaching me life skills so that I could get by my own in the future.

I love you for all the scolding, nagging and correction that you did because I grew up into a nice person.

I love you for everything, even if you hurt me so much before."

I know my complaint means nothing to anybody but dear parents if you ever get to read this.
Know that I really do love you guys so much.
Please forgive me if I did anything to hurt or break your heart.
I probably was stupid at that moments and can't see the error of my way.

I just wanted to say,
Who are we without our parents???
What are we without our parents???
How do we go on on without our parents???

To those who don't have parents,
I am sorry for your lost.
If I were to lose mine.
I will probably go crazy.

The bottom line is, parents have our worries too.
They constantly fear for our future.
They constantly worry for our well-being.
They constantly in circles for our safety.

They will over react to everything by ten-folds.
I think it comes with the job description of being a parent.
Unlike them, we don't know how does if feels to have a child.
May our parents live a long, happy life with us and our future child.

I don't think I want children,